We Buried My Dad but He Won't Crossover

  All my life I've seen and known things others wouldn't and I shouldn't. I don't call it psychic because I feel that implies a level of control I do not possess. I spent years seeing therapists and having test run to make sure I wasn't crazy, or had a tumor, or some other health issue causing hallucinations. Every therapist said aside from ADHD, anxiety, and occasional PMDD I was more stable than most. Every test came up with no issues. I still struggle with whether or not any of it is real. 

At one point I even volunteered at a haunted location working with paranormal investigators and "mediums" in an attempt to find answers, but with the exception of maybe 5 people all turned out to be alcoholics, whores (in the sense of having highly unethical and inappropriate sexual relationships with people who were married to someone else, they were married and not their spouse, or customers spouses.... yeah), and drama queens. With the exception of one medium, I miss him so much, they all turned out to be frauds including every cast and crew member of the paranormal shows on the air that came to the building . When they started faking information and evidence during investigations is when we, my group of friends and I, took our leave and started looking for authentic people. 

About 2 months ago my Dad passed. I hadn't seen him in many years as we lost touch when my abusive husband (now ex) took me and the kids to live another state in an effort to keep us isolated and controlled. The town we lived in  with Dad was a shit city so I didn't fight the leaving too much. I wanted a better life for my kids. 

When my sister called to tell me that our Dad had died I pretty much shut down. I closed my shop and went to Texas for the funeral. LoverFace and I went down a week early to help with the funeral arrangements. Seeing my Dad in his coffin was one of the hardest things I've done. I don't like being around dead bodies in general. They are so quiet and empty it feels like being surrounded by an endless void. 

My Dad was the one who helped my sister take care of her little ones since she is disabled, and the concern was starting to grow as to how she would manage without him here. I had gone through most of my life savings already due to the pandemic, only having the Boutique reopened for a couple months after 2 years closed, and paying for a large part of my Dad's funeral I had hoped to use the little that was left to buy an RV to travel for a while and then open a brick and mortar shop to run until I retire. Growing up my family was the type that my Dad was the only one who even liked me and treated me like I was welcome in the house so I expected after the funeral was over I'd be on my own in the world again for good this time. I figured my sister would find a way to make it work after we left and wouldn't actually want me to be the one to be in her house and around her kids anyway.

  

A couple nights before we were to head back home and try to salvage our dream with the little money we had left I had a vision. I saw my sister in a bath tub full of blood with her kids crying on the floor. I have gotten used to having visions of tragedy over the years. It doesn't get easier you just learn to cope but this one was a difficult one to shake off. Later the next day she and her husband had said more than once they wished we could stay and help out. Two signs in a 24 hour period is too much to ignore no matter what the financial costs, especially considering the potential emotional costs. So I spent the last of my savings to move my shop and my life to Texas hoping to change the vision I'd had. 

While I was unpacking my things in the room I was to stay in I think my Dad was there. I could smell his after shave the entire time, and could see a shape standing near me in my peripheral vision just before I'd move. I'd leave to go to the bathroom and when I returned to the room some of my things were put up that I hadn't unpacked yet, and not where I'd want it. Over the next week or so at least once a day 2 drops of water would land on my arm. I'd look up and no wet spots on the ceiling. I'd wipe them away and my hand or napkin would still be bone dry. 

Dad was Puerto Rican and when we were growing up the house was always kept hot as hell even though we lived in Georgia. We joked he loved the house to be as hot as Puerto Rico all year long. It was nuts. Now no matter what we set the thermostat on when we go to bed we wake up to it at 78 when none of us have changed it. 

I hadn't planned to say anything to my sister because she doesn't have any of these gifts and I was worried it would just upset her. But she mentioned that she had some experiences that made her wonder if he was still around so we talked about it a bit and the things we have both seen tell us that he is definitely still here. He is exactly the type of man who would refuse to cross over in order to stay here with us so I shoulda seen this coming. 

Interacting with spirits has never been something I found to be super fun, but the thought of seeing my Dad's spirit was/is something I am beyond not ready for even though I know he's here trying to talk to me. 

My sister is struggling to move on which is something that can happen when a loved one won't leave. You can still feel them and so you can't finish the grieving process as you normally would. At some point I will have to talk to him so he can move on and set her free as well. And I think I am close to ready to do that. Grieving was easier for me than it is for her. But I've been dead before. 

Have you had an experience with a loved one who passed and wouldn't/couldn't crossover? How did you handle it? 

How to Read Your Candle Magick

Candle Magick is so much more than just focus, burn, and hope. As our candle burns to bring our intentions to manifest we can use the flame, the container if it is in one, and the smoke to determine how our spell is faring. All of our spell candles come with a condensed version of this list to help you read your candle spell as it performs.

Not everything the candle does will be a sign of your magick. Making sure you follow the instruction on properly burning a candle (on the back of the box if you buy our candles) you can eliminate a lot of variables so that most of what your candle does will be indicator of how the spell is doing.

The Flame

High Steady and Strong flame: This shows that your spell is progressing ideally. There is little to no opposition and everything is moving along smoothly. Your result should appear soon.

Low or Weak Flame: Indicates opposition to your spell. This opposition is from within; a lack of focus or power, or using too general an intention. You need to refocus and try again.

Crackling or popping flame: Time to Listen!! Someone is trying to communicate with you or assist or hinder you in this work. Hearing what they have to say could make all the difference in how this spell goes off.

Unsteady or Flickering flame: Can indicate someone or something is actively trying to counter your spell. The higher the flicker the stronger the opposition. Strengthen your focus and power to beat them. Calling in assistance to boost your magick may also help.

Having to Relight Flame: Could show self doubt in your casting or opposition from the spirits. Keep focusing and believe in yourself.

Multiple Flames or Whole Top Burning: Someone is working with you! Be it a guardian, another witch, a spirit they believe in your spell and are willing to help.

The Candle

Candle does not light: Someone in your soul circle is telling you this spell should not be done. Since they are only interested in your best life you should listen.

Candle does not go out: This can indicate your spell is incomplete and should not be put out yet. Let it burn longer and try to put it out again when there are signs to do so or it finishes on it's own.

Burning on One Side Only: Only part of your spell will be successful. It could be that the other part wasn't right for the situation or your life. Or it can mean that the core of the situation can't be fixed with this type of focus or spell. Re-approach your intention from another angle and try again.

Exploding or Spreading Fire with the Candle: You are under magickal attack from someone else or by your own hand. If you are casting a hex at someone who is protected this can show it is rebounding back to you. Act fast to clear the magick before it attaches to you.

Candle goes out in Middle of Spell:  Spell was interrupted on your end or the end of the other party depending on where it was directed. Scrape out enough wax to leave 1/4" wick exposed and start again.

Candle burns down very quickly: This can represent your desperation to be successful. Overpowering a spell can have a wide array of unpredictable effects on your life. Grounding and centering can help tame these effects a bit so that your spell doesn't go haywire!

Candle splits or burns a thin line: This can mean your focus was split while casting or your spell isn't cohesive. Refocus and recast while streamlining your intentions more clearly. 

The Smoke

Puffs of Black Smoke: Negativity surrounds this working and fighting against it. A cleansing before continuing as well as reevaluating your goal to be sure it's what you really want. Pushing through can defeat the negativity and find you success if your cause is just. 

White Smoke: WARNING!!  Some magick practitioners who are either shady or under experienced will try to tell you that this is a good sign and ok. THIS IS NOT TRUE AND VERY DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION. White smoke is caused by the presence of sulfur and/ or gasoline (not petroleum as in paraffin wax but actual gas mixed with condensation and improper ventilation) in amounts of 4% or less in low heat burns like candle flames. For comparison keep in mind most scented candles contain only 4-6% fragrance oil if you think 4% isn't a lot how far is that scent travelling from your candle? That's where the gasoline and sulfur are spreading too. If you are buying candles from a shop that are producing white smoke or soot STOP PURCHASING FROM THEM IMMEDIATELY AND SEE A DOCTOR (and maybe even an attorney). These candles are not magick. What they are is giving you cancer.   

 

Welcome to 2021

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Let's hope 2021 is not going to be 2020 part 2.  This past year has been rough for all of us so let's do what we can to help each other in the coming up year. For some of us life will never be the same and for others that might be a good thing. 

This past year started out really well for the Boutique. As most of you know it had been closed for most of the last couple years. We had considered opening a gothic style Inn so I spent a couple of years managing a hotel to learn how and see if it was something I'd like. I did and I was really good at it. Now we just needed a place to open and get started. 

We moved to California to help out my oldest son. We figured we would open the Inn there but then the plague hit. So I reopened the Boutique to help keep the bills paid, and save up to get started when hotels and restaurants were reopened. Everything was on track, orders were flowing well, and it looked like the year wasn't gonna be a bust after all. We geared up for the holiday season stocking up on product and even planned a few sales and a huge giveaway. 

Since it looked like it could be another year at least before the market could support opening a new Inn we decided to purchase an RV and hit the road with the Boutique. We could visit everywhere we ever wanted and sell our wares along the way. We started looking at RVs and planning the stops we wanted to make, the haunted houses we wanted to visit, and the events we wanted to be vendors for. 

My whole family lives in Texas except for myself, my LoverFace, and our kids.  Daddy lived with my sister and her family after he retired 6 years previously. I tried to get him to come to Virginia and live with us when he retired but he had always wanted to live in Texas. At least for as long as I can remember so it was no surprise when he refused and went to Texas. We lost touch for many years. Partly because he just never made an effort to stay in touch and partly because I was hyper focused on getting my life together. When I last saw my Dad I was leaving the state with my ex-husband who was violently abusive just like every other man I had ever been in a relationship with. I visited my Daddy once after meeting LoverFace but before losing touch, and Dad really liked him. 

When we moved to California June 2019 we stopped off in Texas and visited my sister and father. We spent 2 days visiting everyone before heading on, and planned to return for a longer visit the following spring/summer. The summer passed and we weren't able to travel due to the COVID-19 plague. We figured that was fine. We could save up some more money, and get the RV before so we could drive that when we went to visit! We could pack it up with product and not even have to close the shop to travel. 

We found out Dad needed surgery in the fall. Nothing huge, fairly routine, but my sister would need help with him, and her kids, during recovery as she is disabled. He scheduled it for 3 days before the holiday rush would start for the Boutique, and his recovery time was, I believe, about a week in hospital and several after. I hoped to finish the stockpile so I could go to Texas a couple days before the surgery and visit without disrupting shipping times for orders. I had planned to leave by Saturday but fell behind making stock while getting orders out. I'd normally have a couple helpers but the pandemic left me on my own. So I kept pushing back the date to leave. Partially because I was hoping to find an RV before we left and not need to pay for a rental car and be able to keep my shop open. It didn't happen. By the time I had gotten enough done and the last RV fell through the soonest I could've left would have been the day after his surgery but I'd be there the day after so he'd still be in the hospital and not too late to help get him home. 

The morning of the surgery my sister called to say he'd had a heart attack during surgery and didn't make it. We had to wait 2 1/2 weeks to bury him. I closed the shop and went to Texas to help out with as much of the funeral as I could. I don't really remember a lot of it. Those weeks were kind of a blur with little spots of clear memory.

I remember my sister saying she wanted me to stay and help with the house and kids, and I remember mentioning it to LoverFace. Then we were packing and moving. LoverFace has his last semester of school starting next month, and graduates in June. I have no idea if I'm staying in Texas or returning to California right now. Kind of just taking it day by day. Trying to feel back to normal. Trying to get used to life without ever seeing Dad again. It would be easier to figure out if Daddy wasn't haunting the house. 

Tell me about your 2020? What did you gain? What did you lose? What are you hopeful for in 2021?